trust the universe.

even more so than usual, there is a lot i need to say that i can not really say. so if you dont like it when i am cryptic then you will really hate this.
   i have always believed in fate. and i can not tell you how many times i have told my litle mook when she is sad, that we have to trust the universe. i believe it. maybe it is something that just makes us feel better when something shitastic has happened. yet, there has to be trust. and now more than ever i need to believe in it.  some time ago i was with somebody that made me happy before i was ready to be happy. and when i say some time ago, i mean 7 years, or maybe 8. i can remember a few of the reasons that i didnt want him then, but barely, and possibly i am just romanticizing, but i can also very clearly remember that he was real, and at the time i didnt know how to accept that. these walls of mine are so intricate. and things happened and i said no thank you and then i said no and by the way f you. i was pretty shitty really.
     a couple of years ago there was this pilot for a tv show and the premise was: you have already met the one you are going to marry. now you just have to figure out who it was. i always thought that this one was the most likely candidate. i have also always known that i needed to apologize. in general i am a good person and im not usually the one to shit on someone. not usually, but in this case i was a fucker. but to apologize.... does the person want to hear it? will they be pissed off that you popped back in to their life? are they with someone now that will be pissed if you show? is it selfish to apologize in this case? and so even though i have thought about it, i never did it.but still i wondered about him.
     and then wa bam, the universe hit us both in the face, (or maybe i should say in the vagina) with a really unique way of reconnecting.
    the story of how that happened is freaking hysterical and should be told, but not now. not at this moment where i am so amused with the universe and how it works. so now we have seen each other and the apology was given and well received. lunch was had and although there is no possibility for any future, the connection was there. i could feel it. and i went home and i went directly to the letter he had given me. yes seven years ago and i went directly to it. it is the best letter i have ever received and although i had not read it in years i well remembered why it was important. and after i read it again this time around i am flooded with so many good things.
     im not really sure why because i can not have him and i am still in love with somebody else anyway. but the thing is that it shows how much he loved me. that is something i am not usually shown when I am with someone. this letter had a list of things that he loved about me. a whole list. not one of them was superficial. and so i guess it gives me hope. it serves now as a reminder that in the future i can no longer be the douche whisperer, thank you Thomas Wilkinson.and so right here when i had already told myself i would be on my own, i am given reasurance that i should do just that.
      tonight i decorated the christmas tree. i listened to Swooners and Crooners and i thought about the people I love. I thought about the boy that gave me the letter and i thought about the most recent boy whose company i would have loved during the holiday tradition, and remembered that most likely he wouldnt have wanted to be there with me anyway. and so thank you, again to the universe for showing me what it is that i should be. i am happy now, but i am still lonely, and i still wish.
i thought about my little egg when i pulled out the tea ornament he gave me from the first year at Kemp lane. i remember nichole and d and the way they included me in their christmas so i could feel more at peace. and of the cracker barrel guy that stella always stole. she loved it so. i miss her at christmas. i miss her every day.
    and im glad that i have hapiness right now. and im glad i am better with myself but still sometimes it is hard to go through some of it without. i am a little worried about christmas itself. i still can't pass the yummy wok without havng my heart burst. i am a little worried about what to do. then i remind myself that i put myself out there. that i was very clear and that it really isnt appropriate for me to say anything more. it has to be him. anna begins is on. ha ha universe, ha fucking ha.
       so i didnt want because i wasnt ready so long ago and now in the present i am reminded that someone wasnt ready for me.and it doesnt seem right. not at all. but i am so helped by this experince in my life. this amazing happening that serves it s purpose. remember to trust the universe, catherine, remember that it is there, always doing exactly what it should.

Elmers.

the vizsla is called the velcro dog. i love this about levi. when stella died i  knew i needed someone else to want me. levi is overboard, but he is still there. completely there. i like it most when he does his big flop, placing all of himself all over all of myself. last night, drinking scotch and smoking cigars i played "Velcro" for my newest music aficionado. i cant stand it how much i like that song.
  sidenote: at work in order to assess if a patient is bipolar they ask " have you ever felt so happy that you just can't stand it?" secretly, the answer is "yes". yes, i cant stand how happy i am. and i cant stand how sad i am sometimes. and i guess i should go see if im bipolar, but i wont. of course not. who wants the medicine for that? and a few nights ago I spoke to stephan, saying a small portion of what i want to say to someone else and he said "why are you so mean to yourself?" haha... why is the sky blue?
     and so i finally got around to checking out more bellX1 and i am blissful, blissful, blissful and i still cant stand it. also i heard the story of it. knowing it is about bromance only makes it that more special.
     tonight i talked about my own origin story. ben and i shared stories of youth. the ones we didnt know when we were everyday buddies. i like how you know someone without necessarily knowing. anyway the infamous "but i am a girl" story came up. ahhhhh how the shrinks love that one.i dont know, i just want someone to bring the getaway car while i arrive with the glue.
     is it possible that one day someone will want my glue? perhaps thats my problem i always, always bring the glue. even when you dont know you are broken, i am there ready to explain exactly how much glue you need and exactly where it should be placed. caaaahhaaaaaarrrrrrllll once said " dont analyze, boys hate that" yes carl, they do. but when you are real good at it they get smacked in the face with it, needing it with their every essence and pushing me away for it too.. i try. i really do. no nails, no hammer, no warm washcloth this time. oh but because of the way testosterone works, thats when they like me best. but  it isnt when i like them the best.
     so dating is my world now. i guess its good that i am still in love with him. i guess it means that i can stay enough away from a man that he will like me. wait, a boy, i still have no interest in men. and now we really know the problem. wait, werent we talking to shrinks just a few lines ago. i just want it for myself. no matter how old i grow, i am still hoping for my beautiful naive twenty something self(i was never naive, always a bad ass) to just say ohhhhhhhhh yes, oh yes indeed. fuck, im still saying just that to someone that doesnt want me. but i digress, i always digress, it is part of "your charm", catherine, part of your charm. and so dating is my world now. there is something about social skills. something about the ability to touch. something about the horn honking (omg, am not i past horn honking? am i not clearly a woman who is ok with the just flipping do ?) and what is wrong with anyone at this age that honks a horn? i remember when "down there"stood up for himself and he said " listen, i was just trying to be a gentleman" and here it is. you have to find the ones who are gentleman where it counts and 'yes please, i have a dick"  where it counts. is it too much to ask?
   yes.

mary chapin carpenter "passionate kisses" look it up.


look it up and think of margaret, margaret who i love, perking up and saying, oh yes, this is a good song. yes it is. shouldnt i have allllllllll of this and more.

when i put it down to the basics, i know that everyone should. and summer and i have discussed that it is harder for those who are. its just plain harder.

and i seem to be so sexual lately. that comes from not getting laid. but also, i think it is the time that i end this.
"You fall in love with girls in hi-viz jackets, Girls in their golf carts. Well laid tans and sunglasses ,But it's over before it starts."
 it is. its always over.

Read more: BELL X1 - VELCRO LYRICS