john gendell called me tonight. I had a drink out after my restaurant shift. had to come home because I couldn't leave the pet door open because there was a wedding on the water at the neighbor's house who hates me.
I kept the pet door locked. Sorry, Logan, that I couldn't come to hang out with you. but...... can you imagine it? pretty please, let's do: the wedding has been beautiful. the sun didn't come out, but there wasn't any rain and the photographer was happy because the lighting was perfect. ( thank you Jay Paul, George Kartis and the rest of you). the wedding guests are all smiling and feeling like luck had pressed her lips to their foreheads. the vows were being read, they wrote their own. how sweet. just as the bride was getting ready to say "I do" Lucifer Geuze comes out of nowhere. she jumps up on the bride. muddy paws leaving swamp mud all over the gown. she lets out a scream that would curdle the milk and that sends lucy like lightening to run home. only the nose always knows and she smells the cake. the wedding planner and the hated neighbor race after her. they are yelling and the bride is crying and some teenagers are chuckling in the back and lucy darts towards the cake. two front paws push down into the cake and the neighbor smacks her ass and it is a blow that would cause her pain under normal circumstances but she has her eye on one thing. Her teeth sink into the bride and groom statue and someone hits her on the left shoulder with a champagne glass. she spits out the statue, licks a drop of champagne from her coat, grabs the statue and runs as fast as she can directly to my front door. its a good thing I locked her in that day. and its a good thing that I came home. I had exactly my limit and I came home.
s I got in the car to go home, that's when the call came. its jake, the eldest of the gendells. and he is drinking wine on his porch. I tell him im leaving and that its a shame because the bar was playing 90's music and I was dancing and letting go and in my super hero mode and I should have stayed, because I haven't been happy like that in a loooong time. and then he says:
don't ever be sorry for going home. you have had more fun than most. you will have more fun than most. don't ever be sorry. you know how to do it, big C, and you will experience it deeper than anyone else. don't ever be sorry for going home.
ohhhhhh supreme gendell, you are correct we do it better than most. unfortunately we also do the depression better than most. not to mention the fact that we do the way too drunk better, which is why he was encouraging me g
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so now its a few days later and so much has happened, most of which I really shouldn't write about. then again, isn't that what I do best. articulate. express myself. fuck, hear I comes, but cryptic to protect the fucking bastards.
so I broke down and I text someone who I knew would respond. stupiddddddddd. I am so stupid. I text, I was a smartass.he liked it,showed up(uninvited) on my doorstep. I say uninvited because I didn't invite him, but when he said he was coming I went directly upstairs and washed my vag just like Matthew Broderick in that brilliant movie election when he was going to bang Reece Witherspoon's character. so it shows you of my integrity. we hung out and it was fun, as always, and I got to feel his eyes all over me and as nice as it was when we got upstairs I wasn't interested. I guess it happens the way it is supposed to happen.
so, I know that I have reached a better point.sleep. the next morning was enough to wreck me again. well, not wreck really, I knew what I was doing. but it was a different reminder. we lay there in bed and his feet curled up against mine and our spoons were aligned perfectly. any movement that kept us away from each other and we found a way back. we aren't in love. I know that . so when he left it wasn't a shock. but certainly it continued to remind me that I am missing a connection. You can't force them. But fuuuuuuuuucccck, I wasn't born ugly inside or out (thanks mom and dad and thanks stars ) and I can't for the life of me understand why I have all of a sudden become so uninteresting.
Last night I watched American Horror Story with James and It was all about how a particular woman could look stupid and still watch the boys flock. And now, with age, she is left alone. And I know my life isn't so tragic. But where the fuck did it go? I am left understanding that I didn't have power and then I had it and now I don't all over again. And I don't want it over everyone. I just want to still be in the runniNg. as a valid piece to the puzzle. As a fucking person. And mother fucker, before you judge me, you should know that I want equality. I've always wanted it. And what I received was power. I didn't ask for it. And now, the only thing I can count on is fading.
I'm in my hotel room, drinking like a fish and typing in my phone. So this is worse than usual. And we all know I feel sorry for myself more when I have passed the super hero phase of booze. I don't know. The thing about last Sunday morning is that I remembered how much I love human touch, human connection. And I'm guessing the lesson here is that the people I've had it with recently aren't worthy and so something, somewhere ,is letting me know that I have to keep after it. I have to experience big like my Gendell heritage has taught me, been imprinted into me. And that maybe one day through all the booze and imperfections, someone will see my amazing heart and want to take care of it. And then maybe I can stop boring you all with this bull shit.
I have to stop. . I've been drinKing for days. And my roommate in my hotel room is ironing. She is my fan and I am hers. Bon Iver is playing and even though I am not at home, I bet Lucy is covered In mud and I like that ironing is happening and somewhere, someone likes that soul searching is going on.
And. Well. Fuck. I can't even proof read. So here you have it here you go.
I didn't leave tonight John Gendell. But I drank just the same. And Lucy is muddy and I am in clean hotel linen and the music is telling us goodnight.
