hope, dangles from a string.

Today i picked up Lilly from her spay appointment. i was filled to the brim with emotion but didnt realize it.the last time i did this  was with stella. i bought her a beautiful yellow bear and when i saw her she wagged her tail and took the bear and she was happy to see me even though she wasnt ok. she was so sick. i loved her so much.  and our bond was so great. i miss her. i still hold on to that bear. the memory of it is too great to part with it.
   as soon as i saw her my eyes welled up. holy shit this is difficult. i suposse that it will all be fine, but i wouldnt be me without crying over it. right now the cat door is open, lilly is too sick to go upstairs and it seems cruel that their door has been shut for so long. i guess Thursday, they throw a party.
   lucy was out twice today. i just spent 250. to fix the fence.

im guessing its the air again. everybody is sad. i turned on facebook and there is Ms. Mae with  a message waiting in my in box that simply says ' i love  you" . timing was so nice.  we discussed the situation and both agreed the problem is feminism. that is the problem, im sure of it.
      and then there is the problem that i focus too much on being alone and not the good things that i have. last night i got off work and walked past the flower on city hall that chimes and lights up when you cross its path. it makes me happy and i thought i would go home  and write about everything im happy about. instead i had a glass of wine with the gun thug and that is one of the things im happy about so i guess it was ok. elisa always reminds us to be thankful for what we have and know that it is always enough. everytime she says that it hits home. i have so much.
 which brings me to the problem of the chemicals that dont work right inside me and the reminder that its scientificaly proven that i have less serotonin than other people . i guess i really should get some medicine. i dont know why i hate it so much. its weird how much yoga keeps it at bay, makes me a better person. but i couldnt go yesterday or today and now here i am crying into my wine. which reminds me that i need to go in and get some more. crisis solved. wine refilled. but yes, i need medicine and i wont take it. i want to be ok on my own.
    last night the gun thug ( who probably wont remember) told me i need to be nicer to myself.  i just keep feeling the failure. the constant reminder that every time i am bold and beautiful and expressive, that i am too much. fucking way too much. and the women who love me, wouldn't change a thing. and the women who hate me for it don't know me. not at all. the other night on my family's back porch, when i was super happy. it all went to shit. i don't even want to say what happened but then there was the statement that "both of them are amazing and totally fucking crazy at the same time" and i know that it is me too. and i know that i as i have been unsuccessful  it is only going to get worse. being alone makes you a miser. makes you forget your checks and balances and then you are difficult. whatever, i guess i just need to remember Rosa and her casa and how that made her happy. and so maybe i will foster dogs and have cat walks all over the outside of the house and continue to be an inspiration to people while i am alone. i guess that means, in one way, that I'm doing it right. thats where age comes in to play to bother me. it was all fine when i knew that i was beautiful and that even though in the end, the next new one wouldn't love me , that at least i would get laid. not just laid, but also have them infatuated for a short time before they realized i was too much. and now it seems the wrinkles and the new belly ( which also comes with boobs i might add) just pile up to secure my place in becoming like victorrrrr, the eldest of the vampiras. cheese, if you are reading this you know. but yes. it feels very over and i am too young to feel that way. too many years are left to not have hope. but i dont have it. there is none.
        sometimes i tell myself to stop being such a jackass and realize that i am a fucking force of nature( thank you, Sean Haberle) and that i should just rock the idea that i am just waiting for someone worthy to come along. i should. but i can't. maybe i need to see a shrink again. maybe i need to take whatever spell that is in daughter of smoke and bone so that i can forget that d ever existed. maybe i need to remember the importance of the  quote " no insignificant penis" and be pleased that i am waiting and not filling up with poison, well, except  for the alcohol which is making me sad these days and not giving me super hero powers at all.
someone posted a sheet in the evms office thta said "take what you need" it has things like love, kindness, and imagination on it. i took the word hope. i need it. i held on to it for quite sometime. remembering how much strength i had when Dr. K put the good words into my curled up hands. i hung on to it until it eventually disappeared, probably fallling onto the floor of my amazingly messy jeep and transfering to someones shoe and then ending up a crumpled piece of paper in the rocks of a driveway, or littering the city torn in half without its  message. or maybe, it did the transfer as a whole  and someone else found it and it lifted them up?
   i have seen another of those take what you needs in the window of Shady Grove. i thought about taking the Hope from that one and i havent. i promise i will. if it is there tomorrow when i go, i will pick it up and hold to it again. keeping it even safer this time. i hate to live without it.

palm up or palm down?

since I started yoga I haven't been depressed. not the deep dark places where I am sad to even breathe. but it has come to my attention lately that I'm not really happy either. I haven't felt joy, really at all. the animals have eaten some old roommate's cup of noodles so that there are little pieces of Styrofoam all over my bedroom floor. the sheets are washed now, but truly they were disgusting for far, far too long. today when I made lunch( with the first groceries I have purchased since before I went away in the beginning of July) the spider webs were so thick that they got caught both on the pan lid and the compost crock lid. there was mold on the cheese I ate. I guess I need to start with cleaning the house. as I type this now I am sitting in the Gun Thug's cigarette ashes and I am just going to go ahead and do that because I need to write. I've needed to write for a long long time now. there just doesn't seem to be any me around.

      today I was angry. yesterday I was angry. and although I got over it, I know it was all unnecessary. cue Lucinda William's " you took my joy" here. as far as that goes, I finally deleted a number from my cell phone. and from my email and knowing that his name won't pop up at all anymore, feels good. I know it would have seemed like a loss before but now I am so happy that I mean goodbye. and that statement alone is quite a lot. it still feels like I wont find another like him.
      I haven't had any human touch in so long. the brief moments when my yoga teachers place their loving hands on my shoulders and press oh so delicately on to my shoulders.... those are the moments that make me both thankful for them and also small and so so lonely. I notice, too, that I stopped thinking about whether or not I was grounding myself or opening myself up. and when I had that thought I then realized that I've been grounding for weeks now. i am back to that tight ball of hurt. that place at the very bottom of the fortress.

  In May, during Midsummer, one of the young actress' received a gift and she smiled. it was so simple and heartfelt and it lit up her whole being. It haunts me. I have not smiled like that in a very long time. it was breathtaking and it haunts me.

     ' You aren't built to be without someone', said Jean. She was right. I miss it. and i have been actively looking and that is part of what disgusts me about myself. i am worrying about the wrong  thing and without my joy and my poetry swirling all around me, how is anyone to even want to be here?
     I've started to wonder if men even want women, well, i mean relationships. i cant think of when someone has had tender feelings for me. and my mother taught me to realize if its happening over and over again, then there is something wrong with you. so i know there is but whatever, that's a different paragraph. do men want to hold hands and have that person be there?  the other day 2 dudes sat down at table 15 and although neither of them was attractive, i was drawn in. i  could smell one them. he had probably washed with one of old spice's new hipster named scents and i realized that i missed the smell of a man. every time i walked by i breathed it in and honestly, i soaked it up, not wanting to go back to the place where i don't get to smell such things.

 Just now, i freed a butterfly from prison in my screened in porch.  that, i can feel good about.

     and hook ups. ugh. they make me feel even worse about men and what they want and even worse about my worth. i remember when i met someone i dated in Illinois, i called Manny to tell him the crazy story of alcohol and sex and slip and slide and walking home without my clothes on and he said " do you think he'll call?" and i said" um, dude, im confident, attractive fun and i teach pussy for a living, of course he'll call" and now i realize that i don't have the same feeling. it doesn't help that the last 2 were not interested at all. and it doesn't help that i cant find me.

     my friend, Newt posted a comment on one of my facebook musings and he said "i miss your beautiful self" and i was inclined to remember that i do have a beauty to me. one that has more colors and depths than most, i just don't know where its gone.
      perhaps i'll start with moving the spiders back outside the house.  and maybe sweeping up cup o noodle remnants. maybe i will find the pieces of me there, tucked away under furniture and caught in the rugs. "seems to want to hurt this time just" is playing and i think im going to stare out into the backyard for awhile. its the perfect soundtrack. and i guess the other thing is that for me,i have to give myself the permission to be where i am. so here it is universe: i am sad. not ultimately, but sad just the same. and now im going to go work on that.

 

 

 

trust the universe.

even more so than usual, there is a lot i need to say that i can not really say. so if you dont like it when i am cryptic then you will really hate this.
   i have always believed in fate. and i can not tell you how many times i have told my litle mook when she is sad, that we have to trust the universe. i believe it. maybe it is something that just makes us feel better when something shitastic has happened. yet, there has to be trust. and now more than ever i need to believe in it.  some time ago i was with somebody that made me happy before i was ready to be happy. and when i say some time ago, i mean 7 years, or maybe 8. i can remember a few of the reasons that i didnt want him then, but barely, and possibly i am just romanticizing, but i can also very clearly remember that he was real, and at the time i didnt know how to accept that. these walls of mine are so intricate. and things happened and i said no thank you and then i said no and by the way f you. i was pretty shitty really.
     a couple of years ago there was this pilot for a tv show and the premise was: you have already met the one you are going to marry. now you just have to figure out who it was. i always thought that this one was the most likely candidate. i have also always known that i needed to apologize. in general i am a good person and im not usually the one to shit on someone. not usually, but in this case i was a fucker. but to apologize.... does the person want to hear it? will they be pissed off that you popped back in to their life? are they with someone now that will be pissed if you show? is it selfish to apologize in this case? and so even though i have thought about it, i never did it.but still i wondered about him.
     and then wa bam, the universe hit us both in the face, (or maybe i should say in the vagina) with a really unique way of reconnecting.
    the story of how that happened is freaking hysterical and should be told, but not now. not at this moment where i am so amused with the universe and how it works. so now we have seen each other and the apology was given and well received. lunch was had and although there is no possibility for any future, the connection was there. i could feel it. and i went home and i went directly to the letter he had given me. yes seven years ago and i went directly to it. it is the best letter i have ever received and although i had not read it in years i well remembered why it was important. and after i read it again this time around i am flooded with so many good things.
     im not really sure why because i can not have him and i am still in love with somebody else anyway. but the thing is that it shows how much he loved me. that is something i am not usually shown when I am with someone. this letter had a list of things that he loved about me. a whole list. not one of them was superficial. and so i guess it gives me hope. it serves now as a reminder that in the future i can no longer be the douche whisperer, thank you Thomas Wilkinson.and so right here when i had already told myself i would be on my own, i am given reasurance that i should do just that.
      tonight i decorated the christmas tree. i listened to Swooners and Crooners and i thought about the people I love. I thought about the boy that gave me the letter and i thought about the most recent boy whose company i would have loved during the holiday tradition, and remembered that most likely he wouldnt have wanted to be there with me anyway. and so thank you, again to the universe for showing me what it is that i should be. i am happy now, but i am still lonely, and i still wish.
i thought about my little egg when i pulled out the tea ornament he gave me from the first year at Kemp lane. i remember nichole and d and the way they included me in their christmas so i could feel more at peace. and of the cracker barrel guy that stella always stole. she loved it so. i miss her at christmas. i miss her every day.
    and im glad that i have hapiness right now. and im glad i am better with myself but still sometimes it is hard to go through some of it without. i am a little worried about christmas itself. i still can't pass the yummy wok without havng my heart burst. i am a little worried about what to do. then i remind myself that i put myself out there. that i was very clear and that it really isnt appropriate for me to say anything more. it has to be him. anna begins is on. ha ha universe, ha fucking ha.
       so i didnt want because i wasnt ready so long ago and now in the present i am reminded that someone wasnt ready for me.and it doesnt seem right. not at all. but i am so helped by this experince in my life. this amazing happening that serves it s purpose. remember to trust the universe, catherine, remember that it is there, always doing exactly what it should.

Elmers.

the vizsla is called the velcro dog. i love this about levi. when stella died i  knew i needed someone else to want me. levi is overboard, but he is still there. completely there. i like it most when he does his big flop, placing all of himself all over all of myself. last night, drinking scotch and smoking cigars i played "Velcro" for my newest music aficionado. i cant stand it how much i like that song.
  sidenote: at work in order to assess if a patient is bipolar they ask " have you ever felt so happy that you just can't stand it?" secretly, the answer is "yes". yes, i cant stand how happy i am. and i cant stand how sad i am sometimes. and i guess i should go see if im bipolar, but i wont. of course not. who wants the medicine for that? and a few nights ago I spoke to stephan, saying a small portion of what i want to say to someone else and he said "why are you so mean to yourself?" haha... why is the sky blue?
     and so i finally got around to checking out more bellX1 and i am blissful, blissful, blissful and i still cant stand it. also i heard the story of it. knowing it is about bromance only makes it that more special.
     tonight i talked about my own origin story. ben and i shared stories of youth. the ones we didnt know when we were everyday buddies. i like how you know someone without necessarily knowing. anyway the infamous "but i am a girl" story came up. ahhhhh how the shrinks love that one.i dont know, i just want someone to bring the getaway car while i arrive with the glue.
     is it possible that one day someone will want my glue? perhaps thats my problem i always, always bring the glue. even when you dont know you are broken, i am there ready to explain exactly how much glue you need and exactly where it should be placed. caaaahhaaaaaarrrrrrllll once said " dont analyze, boys hate that" yes carl, they do. but when you are real good at it they get smacked in the face with it, needing it with their every essence and pushing me away for it too.. i try. i really do. no nails, no hammer, no warm washcloth this time. oh but because of the way testosterone works, thats when they like me best. but  it isnt when i like them the best.
     so dating is my world now. i guess its good that i am still in love with him. i guess it means that i can stay enough away from a man that he will like me. wait, a boy, i still have no interest in men. and now we really know the problem. wait, werent we talking to shrinks just a few lines ago. i just want it for myself. no matter how old i grow, i am still hoping for my beautiful naive twenty something self(i was never naive, always a bad ass) to just say ohhhhhhhhh yes, oh yes indeed. fuck, im still saying just that to someone that doesnt want me. but i digress, i always digress, it is part of "your charm", catherine, part of your charm. and so dating is my world now. there is something about social skills. something about the ability to touch. something about the horn honking (omg, am not i past horn honking? am i not clearly a woman who is ok with the just flipping do ?) and what is wrong with anyone at this age that honks a horn? i remember when "down there"stood up for himself and he said " listen, i was just trying to be a gentleman" and here it is. you have to find the ones who are gentleman where it counts and 'yes please, i have a dick"  where it counts. is it too much to ask?
   yes.

mary chapin carpenter "passionate kisses" look it up.


look it up and think of margaret, margaret who i love, perking up and saying, oh yes, this is a good song. yes it is. shouldnt i have allllllllll of this and more.

when i put it down to the basics, i know that everyone should. and summer and i have discussed that it is harder for those who are. its just plain harder.

and i seem to be so sexual lately. that comes from not getting laid. but also, i think it is the time that i end this.
"You fall in love with girls in hi-viz jackets, Girls in their golf carts. Well laid tans and sunglasses ,But it's over before it starts."
 it is. its always over.

Read more: BELL X1 - VELCRO LYRICS

well, nothing you can touch.

the radio on the car ride home from summer's had quite a lot to say tonight. on the way to summer's is a train track that i can make a wish on. the storage place where last he allowed himself to be with me, memories of stella, the bug and various good times. a place i worked that was both special and horrific, an important old boyfriends house and many many paths to friends. i guess in a way its good to have lived here for so long. i think about that when i am contemplating how important it is that i move. when i was in ill i missed home. now that i am home i wonder.but not about il. so when i have moments of clairity about my days here, i am pleased. like the other night when Carl invited me to 219 and i recalled the days we met after hours with boone. and all the madness that happened on the bar. i guess Norfolk bars have seen a lot of me, with and without necessities.
   mostly it was Pretty in Pink that got to me. what a girl. and what a girl i am. isnt she lovvvvvvvely? yes she is. and the things she has are not the things that you can touch. and as always i am both thankful and disgusted. and now the lumineers are on and i am thinking of Summer and her woes and also my own and how I told Nichole that i knew in my very soul that we belonged together. im not allowed to think of that right now though, so its on to the now. the now like how when it rains it pours and how when it pours it is usually acid rain and doesnt really do anything but make you feel dirty. and speaking of dirty there was a conversation that was supossed to cleanse me and instead it only made me want more. oh Tom Robbins, why is it that you were so right in saying that the vagina wants what it wants. of course you were also talking about the heart.
      out of all the things i left in Ill i think the thing that bothers me the most is that the sob adam still has my another roadside atttaction. gd, that book was amazing. and i dont like it that he has it. when i finished it i had traveled. anyway acid rain. and then i found myself wanting to say more. tough luck. and also weird how the rain doesnt last long. so now i am alone in my room wishing for all things i can not have. and i finally downloaded Griffin House and the guy that says goodbye to you is out of his mind makes me want to get all indiginant, but i wont. not today. although that is something that is on my mind.
      it has made me wonder if maybe these wrinkles wont even me out. the older ladies i teach with talked to me about being invisible. one liked it, the other didnt. and i think maybe that is where it is for me. when i finally have lost it maybe then someone will find it ok to lose themselves and find themselves again in me. i wanted to say lose, but i know what that is like. its the findng again that i work so hard on. i try and i just do and it is only scary for them. maybe when i am down several notches, maybe then i will be real. it is just a shame because i am real now.
    and on the way to Summer's are the train tracks that i make the wish on and the thoughts of him and the wish that i still hope comes true.

the power of

 i wish i had a fireplace inside. i don't so im out back typing with gloves on and my spelling will be worse than usual. at least im by a fire though, and the dogs can run their fool heads off. and at least its not booze that made me spell shit wrong, although im here with a glass of wine. its important to have your super power engaged when blogging and i find that i need that booze to let my powers fly.
 today i saw breaking dawn with matt cole who made it so worth it because he giggled at all the shit that is so awful. but he also got the shit that was cool. sorry to call you out matt cole, but you reallydo get it and that is why i love you. anyway, i cried, i dont know one or 5 times and it made me think about watching Big Fish with d. i started crying at the very beginning. my head was in his lap and his hands were in my hair andhe paused the movie and said " are you going to watch this whole movie with your heart in your throat?" and i told him yes and than he just wanted to know why. he didnt mind the crying, in fact, he liked it. he was always impressed that i could get it out. that my heart was so big.  i dont know, his is just as big he just didnt want to show it. and then there is  the matter of wether or not my stupid big heart isnt  anything but stupid. i loved how he reguarded me. i love how my mind did something for him. not enough though. i guess i need to remind myself that. 
    i don't need reminding that im not enough. but i always get the reminder just the same.there is always some thing that i see differently and from it i pull the delicate. i guess i love this about me. but it doesnt change that i hurt. i wish i could get him out of my head. and also i dont. i  am as connected to him now as i was the day i told him i loved him and walked out his door.
    and now it has been long enough that a different part of my brain is taking over and i am thinkig about my sexuality and remembering how beau said fondly, " you never are happy if you aren;'t getting laid' and it was funny that he said so, funny how some of the things he said about me are the truest and my favorite. and also it is something that i have been struggling with. i cant do the things i want to because of my mind. it is always holding me back. too much of a production for even the stuff i can take care of myself and so i am left to get too drunk and do the things i wish i hadnt, funny though how attraction takes what it wants. yesterday there was a brief moment that i allowed a romantic scene to be on. there was penelope in all of her soft womanly glory and she said the sweetest things and wrapped her arms around her star and then they layed in bed. skin and nipples and long hair over curves. the love got to me. just like it always does. i miss familiarity. i like to say it was just that simple. i know the truth is that i miss him. i told hm before he left that i wasnt ready to be without him.  still very much in love. im glad my snatch is trying to let me move on, but my choices havent been smart. and here i am wishing i could pick up the phone. but i cant.i cant say something dirty to one or the other.  and yet i am thankul, even if he is just  th star of my masturbation fantasy. and then as thankful as i am for that i am back to wishing that i could be the interest. that someone would want me. no, to think about my heart and the way it beats and feels and takes care. and this in itself is dangerous because i know that he did. but i am again, to remind myself that it does't matter.
       one of my very closest male friends is always whoring it up and i know about whoring it up because of the way i grew up with gorgeous gorgeous brothers. and i have my own version of it. and even though i am accepting i am sometimes appalled at how it gets thought of. i have lost touch with him because of his lack of respect and then i heard a story from another i love that got under my skin and then what does it matter as i too make the very mistakes i say i dont approve of. i guess its all about that immediate send off. vagina, vagina, the power of the vagina. i should probably insert that link right here. insert. thats what she said.


+

oh to get back in the habit.

it isnt going to happen tonight. im not going to be brilliant. but i also didnt eat a dozen h0ot doinit krispee kremes either. now dont get me wrong, im not off the hook. i went to a wine dinner and i ate the alphabet, and the solar system. so calories, f you, you are my bitch and i am fat as the day is long. i dont want to stay on the heart break diet, but i dont want the life sucs one either. i forgot the stupid k.
      my uterus is ordered by a host. not jay leno, but not me either. i have no control. i hate having no control. i had to admit it tonight and although its fine it isnt. why would i like to die? the number one reason is to be with stella again. i dreamt about her last night. the next good reason.....so i dont have to show weakness again. i haven't been embarrassed so much in a long time. and im not now, but it does get me. its enough to make me say goodbye. i would prefer it if i didnt have to admit it.
       tonight i talked to another who is all umphy. i love her. she is sad and to hear her talk just makes me want to crumble. or scoop her up. but it doesnt mattter.
     i dont sleep anymore and i dont know why. when i try i crush my hands under my wrinkled face and i only imagine how i am making it worse. i never imagined it would be so hard for me.
    my horoscope said i was the bell that never rang, the bell made to ring loud and sway beautifully in the evening air and that if i dont do something about it soon that i never will. and the knowledge is more than i can bare. i guess i just didnt have it in me.
     tonight i hope that i can sleep. that's it.