hope, dangles from a string.

Today i picked up Lilly from her spay appointment. i was filled to the brim with emotion but didnt realize it.the last time i did this  was with stella. i bought her a beautiful yellow bear and when i saw her she wagged her tail and took the bear and she was happy to see me even though she wasnt ok. she was so sick. i loved her so much.  and our bond was so great. i miss her. i still hold on to that bear. the memory of it is too great to part with it.
   as soon as i saw her my eyes welled up. holy shit this is difficult. i suposse that it will all be fine, but i wouldnt be me without crying over it. right now the cat door is open, lilly is too sick to go upstairs and it seems cruel that their door has been shut for so long. i guess Thursday, they throw a party.
   lucy was out twice today. i just spent 250. to fix the fence.

im guessing its the air again. everybody is sad. i turned on facebook and there is Ms. Mae with  a message waiting in my in box that simply says ' i love  you" . timing was so nice.  we discussed the situation and both agreed the problem is feminism. that is the problem, im sure of it.
      and then there is the problem that i focus too much on being alone and not the good things that i have. last night i got off work and walked past the flower on city hall that chimes and lights up when you cross its path. it makes me happy and i thought i would go home  and write about everything im happy about. instead i had a glass of wine with the gun thug and that is one of the things im happy about so i guess it was ok. elisa always reminds us to be thankful for what we have and know that it is always enough. everytime she says that it hits home. i have so much.
 which brings me to the problem of the chemicals that dont work right inside me and the reminder that its scientificaly proven that i have less serotonin than other people . i guess i really should get some medicine. i dont know why i hate it so much. its weird how much yoga keeps it at bay, makes me a better person. but i couldnt go yesterday or today and now here i am crying into my wine. which reminds me that i need to go in and get some more. crisis solved. wine refilled. but yes, i need medicine and i wont take it. i want to be ok on my own.
    last night the gun thug ( who probably wont remember) told me i need to be nicer to myself.  i just keep feeling the failure. the constant reminder that every time i am bold and beautiful and expressive, that i am too much. fucking way too much. and the women who love me, wouldn't change a thing. and the women who hate me for it don't know me. not at all. the other night on my family's back porch, when i was super happy. it all went to shit. i don't even want to say what happened but then there was the statement that "both of them are amazing and totally fucking crazy at the same time" and i know that it is me too. and i know that i as i have been unsuccessful  it is only going to get worse. being alone makes you a miser. makes you forget your checks and balances and then you are difficult. whatever, i guess i just need to remember Rosa and her casa and how that made her happy. and so maybe i will foster dogs and have cat walks all over the outside of the house and continue to be an inspiration to people while i am alone. i guess that means, in one way, that I'm doing it right. thats where age comes in to play to bother me. it was all fine when i knew that i was beautiful and that even though in the end, the next new one wouldn't love me , that at least i would get laid. not just laid, but also have them infatuated for a short time before they realized i was too much. and now it seems the wrinkles and the new belly ( which also comes with boobs i might add) just pile up to secure my place in becoming like victorrrrr, the eldest of the vampiras. cheese, if you are reading this you know. but yes. it feels very over and i am too young to feel that way. too many years are left to not have hope. but i dont have it. there is none.
        sometimes i tell myself to stop being such a jackass and realize that i am a fucking force of nature( thank you, Sean Haberle) and that i should just rock the idea that i am just waiting for someone worthy to come along. i should. but i can't. maybe i need to see a shrink again. maybe i need to take whatever spell that is in daughter of smoke and bone so that i can forget that d ever existed. maybe i need to remember the importance of the  quote " no insignificant penis" and be pleased that i am waiting and not filling up with poison, well, except  for the alcohol which is making me sad these days and not giving me super hero powers at all.
someone posted a sheet in the evms office thta said "take what you need" it has things like love, kindness, and imagination on it. i took the word hope. i need it. i held on to it for quite sometime. remembering how much strength i had when Dr. K put the good words into my curled up hands. i hung on to it until it eventually disappeared, probably fallling onto the floor of my amazingly messy jeep and transfering to someones shoe and then ending up a crumpled piece of paper in the rocks of a driveway, or littering the city torn in half without its  message. or maybe, it did the transfer as a whole  and someone else found it and it lifted them up?
   i have seen another of those take what you needs in the window of Shady Grove. i thought about taking the Hope from that one and i havent. i promise i will. if it is there tomorrow when i go, i will pick it up and hold to it again. keeping it even safer this time. i hate to live without it.

palm up or palm down?

since I started yoga I haven't been depressed. not the deep dark places where I am sad to even breathe. but it has come to my attention lately that I'm not really happy either. I haven't felt joy, really at all. the animals have eaten some old roommate's cup of noodles so that there are little pieces of Styrofoam all over my bedroom floor. the sheets are washed now, but truly they were disgusting for far, far too long. today when I made lunch( with the first groceries I have purchased since before I went away in the beginning of July) the spider webs were so thick that they got caught both on the pan lid and the compost crock lid. there was mold on the cheese I ate. I guess I need to start with cleaning the house. as I type this now I am sitting in the Gun Thug's cigarette ashes and I am just going to go ahead and do that because I need to write. I've needed to write for a long long time now. there just doesn't seem to be any me around.

      today I was angry. yesterday I was angry. and although I got over it, I know it was all unnecessary. cue Lucinda William's " you took my joy" here. as far as that goes, I finally deleted a number from my cell phone. and from my email and knowing that his name won't pop up at all anymore, feels good. I know it would have seemed like a loss before but now I am so happy that I mean goodbye. and that statement alone is quite a lot. it still feels like I wont find another like him.
      I haven't had any human touch in so long. the brief moments when my yoga teachers place their loving hands on my shoulders and press oh so delicately on to my shoulders.... those are the moments that make me both thankful for them and also small and so so lonely. I notice, too, that I stopped thinking about whether or not I was grounding myself or opening myself up. and when I had that thought I then realized that I've been grounding for weeks now. i am back to that tight ball of hurt. that place at the very bottom of the fortress.

  In May, during Midsummer, one of the young actress' received a gift and she smiled. it was so simple and heartfelt and it lit up her whole being. It haunts me. I have not smiled like that in a very long time. it was breathtaking and it haunts me.

     ' You aren't built to be without someone', said Jean. She was right. I miss it. and i have been actively looking and that is part of what disgusts me about myself. i am worrying about the wrong  thing and without my joy and my poetry swirling all around me, how is anyone to even want to be here?
     I've started to wonder if men even want women, well, i mean relationships. i cant think of when someone has had tender feelings for me. and my mother taught me to realize if its happening over and over again, then there is something wrong with you. so i know there is but whatever, that's a different paragraph. do men want to hold hands and have that person be there?  the other day 2 dudes sat down at table 15 and although neither of them was attractive, i was drawn in. i  could smell one them. he had probably washed with one of old spice's new hipster named scents and i realized that i missed the smell of a man. every time i walked by i breathed it in and honestly, i soaked it up, not wanting to go back to the place where i don't get to smell such things.

 Just now, i freed a butterfly from prison in my screened in porch.  that, i can feel good about.

     and hook ups. ugh. they make me feel even worse about men and what they want and even worse about my worth. i remember when i met someone i dated in Illinois, i called Manny to tell him the crazy story of alcohol and sex and slip and slide and walking home without my clothes on and he said " do you think he'll call?" and i said" um, dude, im confident, attractive fun and i teach pussy for a living, of course he'll call" and now i realize that i don't have the same feeling. it doesn't help that the last 2 were not interested at all. and it doesn't help that i cant find me.

     my friend, Newt posted a comment on one of my facebook musings and he said "i miss your beautiful self" and i was inclined to remember that i do have a beauty to me. one that has more colors and depths than most, i just don't know where its gone.
      perhaps i'll start with moving the spiders back outside the house.  and maybe sweeping up cup o noodle remnants. maybe i will find the pieces of me there, tucked away under furniture and caught in the rugs. "seems to want to hurt this time just" is playing and i think im going to stare out into the backyard for awhile. its the perfect soundtrack. and i guess the other thing is that for me,i have to give myself the permission to be where i am. so here it is universe: i am sad. not ultimately, but sad just the same. and now im going to go work on that.