well, nothing you can touch.

the radio on the car ride home from summer's had quite a lot to say tonight. on the way to summer's is a train track that i can make a wish on. the storage place where last he allowed himself to be with me, memories of stella, the bug and various good times. a place i worked that was both special and horrific, an important old boyfriends house and many many paths to friends. i guess in a way its good to have lived here for so long. i think about that when i am contemplating how important it is that i move. when i was in ill i missed home. now that i am home i wonder.but not about il. so when i have moments of clairity about my days here, i am pleased. like the other night when Carl invited me to 219 and i recalled the days we met after hours with boone. and all the madness that happened on the bar. i guess Norfolk bars have seen a lot of me, with and without necessities.
   mostly it was Pretty in Pink that got to me. what a girl. and what a girl i am. isnt she lovvvvvvvely? yes she is. and the things she has are not the things that you can touch. and as always i am both thankful and disgusted. and now the lumineers are on and i am thinking of Summer and her woes and also my own and how I told Nichole that i knew in my very soul that we belonged together. im not allowed to think of that right now though, so its on to the now. the now like how when it rains it pours and how when it pours it is usually acid rain and doesnt really do anything but make you feel dirty. and speaking of dirty there was a conversation that was supossed to cleanse me and instead it only made me want more. oh Tom Robbins, why is it that you were so right in saying that the vagina wants what it wants. of course you were also talking about the heart.
      out of all the things i left in Ill i think the thing that bothers me the most is that the sob adam still has my another roadside atttaction. gd, that book was amazing. and i dont like it that he has it. when i finished it i had traveled. anyway acid rain. and then i found myself wanting to say more. tough luck. and also weird how the rain doesnt last long. so now i am alone in my room wishing for all things i can not have. and i finally downloaded Griffin House and the guy that says goodbye to you is out of his mind makes me want to get all indiginant, but i wont. not today. although that is something that is on my mind.
      it has made me wonder if maybe these wrinkles wont even me out. the older ladies i teach with talked to me about being invisible. one liked it, the other didnt. and i think maybe that is where it is for me. when i finally have lost it maybe then someone will find it ok to lose themselves and find themselves again in me. i wanted to say lose, but i know what that is like. its the findng again that i work so hard on. i try and i just do and it is only scary for them. maybe when i am down several notches, maybe then i will be real. it is just a shame because i am real now.
    and on the way to Summer's are the train tracks that i make the wish on and the thoughts of him and the wish that i still hope comes true.

the power of

 i wish i had a fireplace inside. i don't so im out back typing with gloves on and my spelling will be worse than usual. at least im by a fire though, and the dogs can run their fool heads off. and at least its not booze that made me spell shit wrong, although im here with a glass of wine. its important to have your super power engaged when blogging and i find that i need that booze to let my powers fly.
 today i saw breaking dawn with matt cole who made it so worth it because he giggled at all the shit that is so awful. but he also got the shit that was cool. sorry to call you out matt cole, but you reallydo get it and that is why i love you. anyway, i cried, i dont know one or 5 times and it made me think about watching Big Fish with d. i started crying at the very beginning. my head was in his lap and his hands were in my hair andhe paused the movie and said " are you going to watch this whole movie with your heart in your throat?" and i told him yes and than he just wanted to know why. he didnt mind the crying, in fact, he liked it. he was always impressed that i could get it out. that my heart was so big.  i dont know, his is just as big he just didnt want to show it. and then there is  the matter of wether or not my stupid big heart isnt  anything but stupid. i loved how he reguarded me. i love how my mind did something for him. not enough though. i guess i need to remind myself that. 
    i don't need reminding that im not enough. but i always get the reminder just the same.there is always some thing that i see differently and from it i pull the delicate. i guess i love this about me. but it doesnt change that i hurt. i wish i could get him out of my head. and also i dont. i  am as connected to him now as i was the day i told him i loved him and walked out his door.
    and now it has been long enough that a different part of my brain is taking over and i am thinkig about my sexuality and remembering how beau said fondly, " you never are happy if you aren;'t getting laid' and it was funny that he said so, funny how some of the things he said about me are the truest and my favorite. and also it is something that i have been struggling with. i cant do the things i want to because of my mind. it is always holding me back. too much of a production for even the stuff i can take care of myself and so i am left to get too drunk and do the things i wish i hadnt, funny though how attraction takes what it wants. yesterday there was a brief moment that i allowed a romantic scene to be on. there was penelope in all of her soft womanly glory and she said the sweetest things and wrapped her arms around her star and then they layed in bed. skin and nipples and long hair over curves. the love got to me. just like it always does. i miss familiarity. i like to say it was just that simple. i know the truth is that i miss him. i told hm before he left that i wasnt ready to be without him.  still very much in love. im glad my snatch is trying to let me move on, but my choices havent been smart. and here i am wishing i could pick up the phone. but i cant.i cant say something dirty to one or the other.  and yet i am thankul, even if he is just  th star of my masturbation fantasy. and then as thankful as i am for that i am back to wishing that i could be the interest. that someone would want me. no, to think about my heart and the way it beats and feels and takes care. and this in itself is dangerous because i know that he did. but i am again, to remind myself that it does't matter.
       one of my very closest male friends is always whoring it up and i know about whoring it up because of the way i grew up with gorgeous gorgeous brothers. and i have my own version of it. and even though i am accepting i am sometimes appalled at how it gets thought of. i have lost touch with him because of his lack of respect and then i heard a story from another i love that got under my skin and then what does it matter as i too make the very mistakes i say i dont approve of. i guess its all about that immediate send off. vagina, vagina, the power of the vagina. i should probably insert that link right here. insert. thats what she said.


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oh to get back in the habit.

it isnt going to happen tonight. im not going to be brilliant. but i also didnt eat a dozen h0ot doinit krispee kremes either. now dont get me wrong, im not off the hook. i went to a wine dinner and i ate the alphabet, and the solar system. so calories, f you, you are my bitch and i am fat as the day is long. i dont want to stay on the heart break diet, but i dont want the life sucs one either. i forgot the stupid k.
      my uterus is ordered by a host. not jay leno, but not me either. i have no control. i hate having no control. i had to admit it tonight and although its fine it isnt. why would i like to die? the number one reason is to be with stella again. i dreamt about her last night. the next good reason.....so i dont have to show weakness again. i haven't been embarrassed so much in a long time. and im not now, but it does get me. its enough to make me say goodbye. i would prefer it if i didnt have to admit it.
       tonight i talked to another who is all umphy. i love her. she is sad and to hear her talk just makes me want to crumble. or scoop her up. but it doesnt mattter.
     i dont sleep anymore and i dont know why. when i try i crush my hands under my wrinkled face and i only imagine how i am making it worse. i never imagined it would be so hard for me.
    my horoscope said i was the bell that never rang, the bell made to ring loud and sway beautifully in the evening air and that if i dont do something about it soon that i never will. and the knowledge is more than i can bare. i guess i just didnt have it in me.
     tonight i hope that i can sleep. that's it.