palm up or palm down?

since I started yoga I haven't been depressed. not the deep dark places where I am sad to even breathe. but it has come to my attention lately that I'm not really happy either. I haven't felt joy, really at all. the animals have eaten some old roommate's cup of noodles so that there are little pieces of Styrofoam all over my bedroom floor. the sheets are washed now, but truly they were disgusting for far, far too long. today when I made lunch( with the first groceries I have purchased since before I went away in the beginning of July) the spider webs were so thick that they got caught both on the pan lid and the compost crock lid. there was mold on the cheese I ate. I guess I need to start with cleaning the house. as I type this now I am sitting in the Gun Thug's cigarette ashes and I am just going to go ahead and do that because I need to write. I've needed to write for a long long time now. there just doesn't seem to be any me around.

      today I was angry. yesterday I was angry. and although I got over it, I know it was all unnecessary. cue Lucinda William's " you took my joy" here. as far as that goes, I finally deleted a number from my cell phone. and from my email and knowing that his name won't pop up at all anymore, feels good. I know it would have seemed like a loss before but now I am so happy that I mean goodbye. and that statement alone is quite a lot. it still feels like I wont find another like him.
      I haven't had any human touch in so long. the brief moments when my yoga teachers place their loving hands on my shoulders and press oh so delicately on to my shoulders.... those are the moments that make me both thankful for them and also small and so so lonely. I notice, too, that I stopped thinking about whether or not I was grounding myself or opening myself up. and when I had that thought I then realized that I've been grounding for weeks now. i am back to that tight ball of hurt. that place at the very bottom of the fortress.

  In May, during Midsummer, one of the young actress' received a gift and she smiled. it was so simple and heartfelt and it lit up her whole being. It haunts me. I have not smiled like that in a very long time. it was breathtaking and it haunts me.

     ' You aren't built to be without someone', said Jean. She was right. I miss it. and i have been actively looking and that is part of what disgusts me about myself. i am worrying about the wrong  thing and without my joy and my poetry swirling all around me, how is anyone to even want to be here?
     I've started to wonder if men even want women, well, i mean relationships. i cant think of when someone has had tender feelings for me. and my mother taught me to realize if its happening over and over again, then there is something wrong with you. so i know there is but whatever, that's a different paragraph. do men want to hold hands and have that person be there?  the other day 2 dudes sat down at table 15 and although neither of them was attractive, i was drawn in. i  could smell one them. he had probably washed with one of old spice's new hipster named scents and i realized that i missed the smell of a man. every time i walked by i breathed it in and honestly, i soaked it up, not wanting to go back to the place where i don't get to smell such things.

 Just now, i freed a butterfly from prison in my screened in porch.  that, i can feel good about.

     and hook ups. ugh. they make me feel even worse about men and what they want and even worse about my worth. i remember when i met someone i dated in Illinois, i called Manny to tell him the crazy story of alcohol and sex and slip and slide and walking home without my clothes on and he said " do you think he'll call?" and i said" um, dude, im confident, attractive fun and i teach pussy for a living, of course he'll call" and now i realize that i don't have the same feeling. it doesn't help that the last 2 were not interested at all. and it doesn't help that i cant find me.

     my friend, Newt posted a comment on one of my facebook musings and he said "i miss your beautiful self" and i was inclined to remember that i do have a beauty to me. one that has more colors and depths than most, i just don't know where its gone.
      perhaps i'll start with moving the spiders back outside the house.  and maybe sweeping up cup o noodle remnants. maybe i will find the pieces of me there, tucked away under furniture and caught in the rugs. "seems to want to hurt this time just" is playing and i think im going to stare out into the backyard for awhile. its the perfect soundtrack. and i guess the other thing is that for me,i have to give myself the permission to be where i am. so here it is universe: i am sad. not ultimately, but sad just the same. and now im going to go work on that.