so, i was pondering the title of this blog and i was thinking 'things that teachers say" and i realized that the popular internet phenomena is 'shit that teachers say ' and lord knows im desperate to be cool and even more so, we all know how important the idea of a lord is to me. ok, ill stop trying to be funny. trying to be funny never works. although, i have to tell you that I am occasionally funny. today i listened to a mix i made for IS and it was glorious and all of a sudden Backstreet Boys' I want it That Way' came on and i laughed out loud. that shit was funny. sometimes when i write blogs drunk ( most of the time im drunk) i will read what i wrote the next day and i have been known to laugh out loud. i get all worried about what my overly sappy self might have said and then see that even in alcohol, i am still funny. and motherfuckingmother FUCKER. i havent thought about this since the last time he said it. but D used to say "you are occasionally funny.... occasionally...." DAMNIT. i was cleaning last night and i grabbed the chocco cat tupperwear and looked into it and found the necklace he bought me. wisely, i had hidden it there when i realized that having positive thoughts about him was foolish. and i took the time(stupidly) to pull it out and let it run through my fingers. its made well. a good artist had the idea. when he gave it to me, he said it was because it was us. and the birds have been me for a long long time. before him. but he got it. just like he got everymotherfuckingthingelse about me and i guess i didn't let it ruin my night, but i sure did have a relapse. we were good together.
the vizsla is desperately trying to borough under the covers. he licked his paw for an insane amount of time and then went for the nest. it amuses me because im not under the covers. fuck, the mornings have been worse than usual. i think he needed to re nest 5 times this am. its no wonder im undatable. i have told the last few the following: i will train the dogs that they dont rule my bed once i actually have a permanent lover" hahahhahahahahhaah. permanent lover. it seems like a simple thing. anyway, im going to try not to whine so much in this blog. maybe i should just get it out now. just in case somebody was unclear.
i want a relationship. i miss a man, i mean i miss having a man. ohhhhhh men, with your salty smell and body hair that curls around my fingers and your belts looping through levi's and hinting at whats underneath and your broad, broad shoulders. And, i hate being single and wah wah wahhhhhhh. i just want it. i shouldnt say hate being single though, that implies the social status is an issue for me and whhhhooooo doggies, if i was about the social status id have a ring on the finger and a bun in the oven right fucking now. but it isnt that. i love love love men. i love togetherness and i love vulnerability. and. shut the fuck up.
now that i got that out of my system, as if that was enough..... you are going to hear more.
so Sunday M talked a long time before we got started. that amazing Mama said so much but i especially connected with the idea that when we drink water, it is so that we can hydrate so that we can have enough energy to help someone. i see ive been missing that. she talked about the idea of being a martyr, who me? and how putting your own needs aside can be selfish and i was alll " ooooohhhhhhhhh shit! am i not ultimately guilty of that very thing? why yes i am.
and just so you know the vizsla spilled wine on my key board a few weeks ago and i cant see whatI'm typing. it wasn't my fault it really .wasn't. and now i cant see what im doing. the ipad is glorious and so so terrible.. so then tonight it snowed and i am finally not traveling and finally going to be back to L and her followers. and i am so happy and in the class she played different music than usual. it was kind of haunting, and you might expect that of radiohead or bon iver. but when it was Indian and all hare krishna, and still weirdly sad, i guess you have to understand that we are supposed to be in that mode. and yeah, i was haunted. it was a lesson in truth. our studio. our maker's importance, and one that i have a LOT of trouble with. i decided to devote my practice to the idea of being truthful to myself. i mentioned before that allison said i have a fear of success. and so i thought, motherfucker, how do i set this intention without being an asshole??? i was told by someone i dont know very well that" if i was being honest i would see that i am good", different, good.... so now if i set it that way, then im forced to deal in my own bullshit and thats NOT what yoga is about. so i decide then to dial it back. i need to be truthful about myself.
side note. that bitch lucy has been out and come back in and i bathed her and she is still wet and still smells and i played "ohno she didnt" and now she is guilty in bed and licking warm water off her chest. it stinks. i didnt use soap.
and then these words come " when you are ready, everything lines up" amen. oh, yes please, let it be that if i keep working on myself that it will be ready and i will receive.
and that brings me to one of my amazing acting teachers, Ed Gero. he told us: you can not receive anything new until you clear out the old. he likened it to your closet and truthfully, that is right there, but when you bring that to you, and your heart, it rings louder and true-er and i guess i am not as definite about it as i should be, but i have been making changes. i cleaned the bathroom last night, saw the damn necklace. the first thing i did when i had my first crush after D was to clean my room. to accept a new lover into your space, one must clear out the old lover.
in talking to GR on the way back from CVILLE, she pointed out that her own marriage is to a man she loved since she was in her youth. the lady, so you know, is 60 and as beautiful as they come. and she found him again after 2 or three marriages and she suggests "never say never" and a part of me wanted to hang on to it and i wanted to just fall all over again. but i didn't. i gave what i gave. it isnt on me. not anymore. whats on me is following daniel johnstons advice. step out into the light, the light. just please, help me to do that CORRECTLy.
lucy stinks. levi will keep me up, nesting. he is like a woman. i love him, just the same for who he is. so isnt that all the truth i need? won't someone love me for my nesting and articulation and sappy bullshit heart masked in crass blatancy? yeah. sounds good. sweet dreams catherine, you're lucky if you can fix your spelling, never mind the capitals.
never mind the bollocks.
if i could flick you the bird than i would. and then make crass pussy eating signs with my tongue and my fingers. eaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaatttttt it., i would.
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