one i dont want to write.

first and foremost i have to send out thanks to James Manny Manno for setting this shit up for me. I dont know why it was so hard for me, but it was. and now i need to write some shit. except that i dont really want to say any of the stuff that i have to say.
      this morning i am torn between crying, making a phone call to a boy who could call me but doesnt, hating myself ANNNNND remembering that i am awesome, enjoying the beautiful weather, putting some creative part of myself out there, smiling.
uuummmm duuuuh, of course i should choose to be positive. but you know i just cant. im so bad at being positive sometimes. also, i am not drinking and that means this blog is going to be boring. i guess even though i dont really feel it, i need to write it anyway. i am suppossed to be trying to make myself feel better and writing is one of those things that helps me. again, i just  dont want to say what i have to say.
     i am on the back porch. its beautiful out. levi is next to me. the Geuze has taken off somewhere. and when i call her name levi is jealous. beau tried to tell me that dogs cant feel the emotion of jealousy and that is the most rediculous thing in the entire world. levi is the poster child for jealousy and the Geuze is the poster child for wanting what somebody else has. this is my life these days.
     this morning i text Summer to see if she could hang out and she said "try to love yourself".

and manny said yesterday that there is no better woman than when i am on.

and the problem i am having is that when i think of these things i am then reminded of how he did look at me with so much passion and how he thought these things about me and frankly that is stupid. it is of no use to me. it is too painful to think any of the things i am thinking. and that is why i am spending endless hours watching crime scene drama. that is why i  dont want to write. i cant even pump myself up without being upset.
   i dont want this. i dont want to be so broken. and i dont want to be without joy.

i try to remember that it is one of my strengths, the fact that i allow myself to love is a strength. but it doesnt seem like a strength when i am so down. and i should be content with the fact that is important to me that i give. that i put my heart and my kindness out there. i am always always reminded of the Stars song.

" i knew what i wanted, i gave what i gave"

that thought helps me a little, i have to remember that i am who i am. im going to go watch some crime scene drama. rediculous. i hope this place isnt long for me.