it isnt going to happen tonight. im not going to be brilliant. but i also didnt eat a dozen h0ot doinit krispee kremes either. now dont get me wrong, im not off the hook. i went to a wine dinner and i ate the alphabet, and the solar system. so calories, f you, you are my bitch and i am fat as the day is long. i dont want to stay on the heart break diet, but i dont want the life sucs one either. i forgot the stupid k.
my uterus is ordered by a host. not jay leno, but not me either. i have no control. i hate having no control. i had to admit it tonight and although its fine it isnt. why would i like to die? the number one reason is to be with stella again. i dreamt about her last night. the next good reason.....so i dont have to show weakness again. i haven't been embarrassed so much in a long time. and im not now, but it does get me. its enough to make me say goodbye. i would prefer it if i didnt have to admit it.
tonight i talked to another who is all umphy. i love her. she is sad and to hear her talk just makes me want to crumble. or scoop her up. but it doesnt mattter.
i dont sleep anymore and i dont know why. when i try i crush my hands under my wrinkled face and i only imagine how i am making it worse. i never imagined it would be so hard for me.
my horoscope said i was the bell that never rang, the bell made to ring loud and sway beautifully in the evening air and that if i dont do something about it soon that i never will. and the knowledge is more than i can bare. i guess i just didnt have it in me.
tonight i hope that i can sleep. that's it.
Cat, you have such a kind soul. I wish there was some way to be helpful for you. It certainly takes a lot of guts to pour your heart out online (and perhaps a lot of wine...) I am never quite so brave..... peace and love on ya my friend.
ReplyDeleteJ
I don't have anything clever to say, except that I love you and I wish I could take your pain away. But I know you and you will bounce back and you WILL be the amazing Cat both Fernie and I fell in love with 13 years ago. By the way, I know you probably don't wan to hear this, but coming from a family where my dad is a recovering alcoholic.... it's best you stay off the juice...it is never the solution but a temporary fix. :) Love you lots!
ReplyDeleteLiz
Cat,
ReplyDeletei love how you make calories your prison bitch. And who needs K's anyways these days. even when you don't think you're brilliant, you are because you like your stars are always radiant and beautiful. it's just when we turn them on that they shine for the whole party to see. but they are always there.
i just heard a quote from joseph campbell awhile ago (you may have already heard it) and it said, "sometimes we must let go of the life we planned so as to accept the life that is waiting for us."
Maybe a little cornball. But there are sometimes things that we cannot change about the world and about ourselves. To accept change. To accept that we are not able to be in control all the time. To accept that sometimes life just sucs. With or without the k’s. no matter how you spell it, I think that is hard to do. Sometimes too hard. But sometimes you have to have faith that the universe has a way to work wonders when you just give it time to do so. You will find your soul mate. I believe it! Deep down in my bones. Someone who will love the shit out of you with everything they have. And you will have your glory days in the hot sun with your stella girl someday. But for now you got to keep your damn head up. Because you never know…some higher power just might leave you porch cheese when you least expect it. You may just have to align what that porch cheese means to you.
i heart you, amiga!