the radio on the car ride home from summer's had quite a lot to say tonight. on the way to summer's is a train track that i can make a wish on. the storage place where last he allowed himself to be with me, memories of stella, the bug and various good times. a place i worked that was both special and horrific, an important old boyfriends house and many many paths to friends. i guess in a way its good to have lived here for so long. i think about that when i am contemplating how important it is that i move. when i was in ill i missed home. now that i am home i wonder.but not about il. so when i have moments of clairity about my days here, i am pleased. like the other night when Carl invited me to 219 and i recalled the days we met after hours with boone. and all the madness that happened on the bar. i guess Norfolk bars have seen a lot of me, with and without necessities.
mostly it was Pretty in Pink that got to me. what a girl. and what a girl i am. isnt she lovvvvvvvely? yes she is. and the things she has are not the things that you can touch. and as always i am both thankful and disgusted. and now the lumineers are on and i am thinking of Summer and her woes and also my own and how I told Nichole that i knew in my very soul that we belonged together. im not allowed to think of that right now though, so its on to the now. the now like how when it rains it pours and how when it pours it is usually acid rain and doesnt really do anything but make you feel dirty. and speaking of dirty there was a conversation that was supossed to cleanse me and instead it only made me want more. oh Tom Robbins, why is it that you were so right in saying that the vagina wants what it wants. of course you were also talking about the heart.
out of all the things i left in Ill i think the thing that bothers me the most is that the sob adam still has my another roadside atttaction. gd, that book was amazing. and i dont like it that he has it. when i finished it i had traveled. anyway acid rain. and then i found myself wanting to say more. tough luck. and also weird how the rain doesnt last long. so now i am alone in my room wishing for all things i can not have. and i finally downloaded Griffin House and the guy that says goodbye to you is out of his mind makes me want to get all indiginant, but i wont. not today. although that is something that is on my mind.
it has made me wonder if maybe these wrinkles wont even me out. the older ladies i teach with talked to me about being invisible. one liked it, the other didnt. and i think maybe that is where it is for me. when i finally have lost it maybe then someone will find it ok to lose themselves and find themselves again in me. i wanted to say lose, but i know what that is like. its the findng again that i work so hard on. i try and i just do and it is only scary for them. maybe when i am down several notches, maybe then i will be real. it is just a shame because i am real now.
and on the way to Summer's are the train tracks that i make the wish on and the thoughts of him and the wish that i still hope comes true.
Isn't amazing how powerfully memories will flood back on you when the senses are stimulated?
ReplyDeleteI love the idea of wishing on train tracks. This isn't something I had ever done as a child, but I think I will now... such a pleasant thought. Kind of like throwing down a penny from your change at the store and imagining that you are giving someone else a lucky day when they find it.
I do know what you mean about feeling invisible Cat. I think I was completely invisible until I was in my twenties. Sometimes it felt safer that way, but most of the time the loneliness of it was hard to bear. Remember we got your back if you ever are desperate to be seen, even just for a few hours. Thanks again for sharing yourself. Very brave. Peace and Love on ya. J
I remember when i was in high school I had a fascination with train tracks. Mostly driving around late at night either alone or with friends and we would try to find as many train tracks as possible to jump over. I always wanted to lift the car off the ground. A part of me wanted to fly. That was my wish. to fly even if for a moment. I'm glad nothing dangerous happened. Looking back on it, it was rather foolish. But when our minds get locked on ideas, its scary how hard we will push ourselves to get what we want. I just wanted to fly. you know- "to fly ...before the time flies by."
ReplyDeleteWhen I think of trains, I also think of kemp lane . I reminisce about sitting on the back porch at night playing guitar. Maybe you hear raccoons fighting or cicadas buzzing. and you can often hear the trains in the distance. just chugging along. they are far enough away that it isn't unpleasant. It's a soothing sound to gently set the tempo for an acoustic serenade to unravel all of yours cares. It's one of the gifts of that house. i do think fondly of kemp lane.