i wish i had a fireplace inside. i don't so im out back typing with gloves on and my spelling will be worse than usual. at least im by a fire though, and the dogs can run their fool heads off. and at least its not booze that made me spell shit wrong, although im here with a glass of wine. its important to have your super power engaged when blogging and i find that i need that booze to let my powers fly.
today i saw breaking dawn with matt cole who made it so worth it because he giggled at all the shit that is so awful. but he also got the shit that was cool. sorry to call you out matt cole, but you reallydo get it and that is why i love you. anyway, i cried, i dont know one or 5 times and it made me think about watching Big Fish with d. i started crying at the very beginning. my head was in his lap and his hands were in my hair andhe paused the movie and said " are you going to watch this whole movie with your heart in your throat?" and i told him yes and than he just wanted to know why. he didnt mind the crying, in fact, he liked it. he was always impressed that i could get it out. that my heart was so big. i dont know, his is just as big he just didnt want to show it. and then there is the matter of wether or not my stupid big heart isnt anything but stupid. i loved how he reguarded me. i love how my mind did something for him. not enough though. i guess i need to remind myself that.
i don't need reminding that im not enough. but i always get the reminder just the same.there is always some thing that i see differently and from it i pull the delicate. i guess i love this about me. but it doesnt change that i hurt. i wish i could get him out of my head. and also i dont. i am as connected to him now as i was the day i told him i loved him and walked out his door.
and now it has been long enough that a different part of my brain is taking over and i am thinkig about my sexuality and remembering how beau said fondly, " you never are happy if you aren;'t getting laid' and it was funny that he said so, funny how some of the things he said about me are the truest and my favorite. and also it is something that i have been struggling with. i cant do the things i want to because of my mind. it is always holding me back. too much of a production for even the stuff i can take care of myself and so i am left to get too drunk and do the things i wish i hadnt, funny though how attraction takes what it wants. yesterday there was a brief moment that i allowed a romantic scene to be on. there was penelope in all of her soft womanly glory and she said the sweetest things and wrapped her arms around her star and then they layed in bed. skin and nipples and long hair over curves. the love got to me. just like it always does. i miss familiarity. i like to say it was just that simple. i know the truth is that i miss him. i told hm before he left that i wasnt ready to be without him. still very much in love. im glad my snatch is trying to let me move on, but my choices havent been smart. and here i am wishing i could pick up the phone. but i cant.i cant say something dirty to one or the other. and yet i am thankul, even if he is just th star of my masturbation fantasy. and then as thankful as i am for that i am back to wishing that i could be the interest. that someone would want me. no, to think about my heart and the way it beats and feels and takes care. and this in itself is dangerous because i know that he did. but i am again, to remind myself that it does't matter.
one of my very closest male friends is always whoring it up and i know about whoring it up because of the way i grew up with gorgeous gorgeous brothers. and i have my own version of it. and even though i am accepting i am sometimes appalled at how it gets thought of. i have lost touch with him because of his lack of respect and then i heard a story from another i love that got under my skin and then what does it matter as i too make the very mistakes i say i dont approve of. i guess its all about that immediate send off. vagina, vagina, the power of the vagina. i should probably insert that link right here. insert. thats what she said.
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Hey Cat,
ReplyDeleteYou write so visually and with so much emotion that it's almost uncomfortable to read. I feel like i'm creeping around your house looking through windows. But since this is publicly posted, I hope that doesn't really make me a creeper.
You have a unique way of expressing your inner most self that I personally wish I could emulate. I always feel like such a fraud. It's odd for me to realize that beautiful people can also have broken hearts. Intellectually I know this of course; but it's a little different in real, face-to-face interaction. You have a gift of honesty and an ability to reveal yourself. I admire that. Please continue to write. I hope it is cathartic for for you. It is a personal privilege to be allowed this insight into you psyche. Peace and love on ya. J.
thanks john, that was a really nice thing to say. and if it makes you feel any better i wonder about posting it sometimes. there are some people i wish didnt look, but it doesnt work that way. anyway, your creeper is allowed and appreciated. thanks.
ReplyDeleteHey Cat!
ReplyDeleteCouple of things:
1. You are awesome. I love it when you emote in blog form. It's poetic. It's dangerous. It's brutal. It's honest. It hurts. It soothes. It wrecks my heart at times and always affirms my appreciation for your beautiful spirit.
2. You can adjust who has permission to view your blogs. You can enter settings>basic>permissions. Let me know if you need a walk thru.
3. The last line of your entry made me think of that song by the Brazilian girls. or as I like to refer to it...my 4 favorite things.
4. Lastly, I can't wait to see you for Christmas, amiga!